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Who's story do you think is the best written?
Vote closed! |
| Bishop's |
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20% |
[ 7 ] |
| Bjorn's |
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34% |
[ 12 ] |
| Captin's |
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0% |
[ 0 ] |
| Jefff's |
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2% |
[ 1 ] |
| Johnathan's |
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17% |
[ 6 ] |
| Poison's |
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8% |
[ 3 ] |
| Tango's |
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11% |
[ 4 ] |
| Drpepper's |
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2% |
[ 1 ] |
| Chaniii's |
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2% |
[ 1 ] |
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| Total Votes : 35 |
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| Author |
Message |
Pancake Smith
Joined: 05 Aug 2008
Posts: 3110
Location: America
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 Posted: Sun May 24, 2009 1:40 pm |
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OK, I'll fully explain the errors and what I didn't like about it. My comments are in red.
| Bishop wrote: |
Bears' Union - The Story.
A long time ago, in an un-realistic comic book...
Shows how the B.U was created!!
One day, Limey Bear was on his normal walk around the city, at 11.00 PM, when he heard something swish behind him. He looked. Nothing was there. He turned around to carry on walking, but a hand grabbed his shoulder firmly, and dragging him into the shadows.
The "at 11.00 PM" is an unnecessary attempt at making it detailed, and it contradicts the first two words of the paragraph. 11 PM would make it nighttime. It should be "...bug a hand grabbed his shoulder firmly and dragged him into the shadows." Error #1.
Iraq Training Camp.: 2006. 3:00 PM
Oh God, cliche.
Grizzly had been working hard all day, ever since he had got to the Training Centre.
First of all was his Target Practice, then the obstacles course, and THEN- Oh you get the point.
Capitalizing random letters, and if we really want to get nit-picky, obstacle course. No "s". Moving on.
His next task was the zip-wire. He had met a friend on the plane, called Bishy-Bear. He thought it was the most stupidest name in the world, till he had met anther companion. I'll tell you that later.
"Most stupidest?" Anther, but that's just a typo.
"Good luck, Grizzly", said Bishy-Bear.
"Thanks, I'll need."
"See you at the other end", Bishy-Bear replied.
Grizzly attached his harness, and all of his safety equipment.
No comma.
He slid down, with ease, enjoying the view of the dried out rocks on his way down.
First comma not necessary.
When he was nearly down, he heard an alarm go off, and the sound of rushing feet tapping on the ground.
'What's happening', Grizzly thought.
Question mark, not a comma.
He got to the bottom, where he found another bear in uniform.
"Quick, he said. We need to get out of here!"
"Wait!", came a voice from behind.
They turned, to see Bishy-Bear running up to them.
"Commander Homer, we need back-u-...
"Homo!?", Bishy-Bear said.
"No, Homer!"
"Hobo!?", Bishy-Bear said.
"HAHAH!"
"No, HOMER!"
"Oh, right."
"Anyway we need to get out of here."
They ran across the rocks, running towards a Helicopter, and jumped in. Inside, they saw someone in the cockpit, with ridiculous hair. This time, it wasn't just Bishy-Bear laughing.
Helicopter should not be capitalized. It should be something like "They saw a man with ridiculous hair in the cockpit." What did it look like? You can't expect everyone to be familiar with your Bears Union characters.
"GAHAHA!"
"What sort of a hair is that!?"
"I had a bad morning", said the pilot.
"Anyway, call me Pip."
"Okay, Marry Pippins."
NO, IT'- Oh never mind.
No quotation marks?
He started to take off from the landing pad.
"What's wrong, anyway?", said Homer.
"A bear has been captured, by someone who names themselves, 'The Mastermind."
Neither comma is necessary, but another ' is needed at the end. It'll look weird ('The Mastermind'." or Mastermind.'"), but it's supposed to be there.
"Gahaha, what a name", said Grizzly.
"Anyway, you'd find out who it was if we would of got up to Mission 5."
Would have. Would've.
"DAMNIT!", Said Bishy-Bear.
England: 2006. 5:00
They had landed outside a small warehouse. Guards with Machine Guns, looking alert, and maybe a hint of un-sureness under their helmets.
Machine Guns shouldn't be capitalized, no comma right after that. Unsureness is one word, but it sounds very unprofessional. I don't recommend you use it.
"Move in!", shouted a guard, (He looked more of a higher rank.)
Parentheses? Really? "Move in!" shouted a guard, clearly of a higher rank than the others.
"Hey, let's be stupid and follow them!", said Homer.
What?!
"Why not?", said Bishy-Bear.
They followed him in, to see a Bear, with a shirt that looked like a Tic-Tac-Toe board.
Neither comma is necessary.
"Hands Up!", shouted the Bear.
None of them put their arms up.
That's when all hell broke lose.
Loose.
PART 1!
To be continued...
-Bishop |
So yeah, plenty of errors.
I don't think you can find one series of novels where the author just stops in the middle of a scene. If Part 2 is going to be anything like Part 1, I would've preferred for it all to be in one big, painful story.
_________________
"If you wish to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first invent the universe."
-Carl Sagan |
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Bjorn Harlan
Quizaboom
Team Member
Joined: 20 Dec 2007
Posts: 2466
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| Posted: Wed May 27, 2009 9:06 am |
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I claim victory.
Give me my CA. |
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Poison Simpson
Joined: 29 Jun 2008
Posts: 4973
Location: Joey Sturgis' House
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| Posted: Wed May 27, 2009 9:19 am |
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| Bjorn Harlan wrote: |
I claim victory.
Give me my CA. |
Gaha, well done, Bjorn. 
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Funny Lebowski
Bug Hunters Team Member
Joined: 07 Mar 2008
Posts: 2420
Location: In my room, trying to keep my hair down.
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| Posted: Wed May 27, 2009 9:33 am |
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| Pancake Smith wrote: |
He slid down, with ease, enjoying the view of the dried out rocks on his way down.
First comma not necessary. |
The comma is necessary, as it's a clause. |
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Sheena Totoro
Joined: 28 Apr 2007
Posts: 1114
Location: Slit-your-wrists land
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| Posted: Wed May 27, 2009 1:25 pm |
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Congratulations, Bjorn. CA on it's way.
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Johnathan Svoltaire
Warbears' Logo Creator
Joined: 27 Oct 2007
Posts: 2053
Location: United States
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| Posted: Thu May 28, 2009 7:47 am |
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Third place isn't bad, but i think i'll stick to comics 
(Ok, maybe one more short story competition)
_________________
"Integration error. Microsoft's screw up is now in every application." |
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Pancake Smith
Joined: 05 Aug 2008
Posts: 3110
Location: America
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| Posted: Thu May 28, 2009 8:49 pm |
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| Funny Lebowski wrote: |
| Pancake Smith wrote: |
He slid down, with ease, enjoying the view of the dried out rocks on his way down.
First comma not necessary. |
The comma is necessary, as it's a clause. |
He slid down with ease, enjoying the view of the dried out rocks on his way down.
_________________
"If you wish to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first invent the universe."
-Carl Sagan |
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Drpepper Simpson
Joined: 09 Nov 2007
Posts: 1333
Location: America
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| Posted: Thu May 28, 2009 9:57 pm |
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Ah i only got one vote, and it was me  |
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Bjorn Harlan
Quizaboom
Team Member
Joined: 20 Dec 2007
Posts: 2466
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| Posted: Fri May 29, 2009 11:31 am |
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| I think your story was great, Drpepper, but I think the fact you put it in picture format probably put people off. |
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Bjorn Harlan
Quizaboom
Team Member
Joined: 20 Dec 2007
Posts: 2466
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| Posted: Mon Jun 08, 2009 7:02 pm |
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Two things.
1 - Where's my award? One is curious.
2 - Will there be another competition like this soon? |
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Captin Simpson
Bug Hunters Team Member
Joined: 03 Nov 2007
Posts: 4612
Location: LOVINGTON
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| Posted: Mon Jun 08, 2009 7:07 pm |
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Hmm.. No votes. Annoying, but I'm not bitter.
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Sheena Totoro
Joined: 28 Apr 2007
Posts: 1114
Location: Slit-your-wrists land
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| Posted: Tue Jun 09, 2009 2:11 pm |
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| Bjorn Harlan wrote: |
1 - Where's my award? One is curious.
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I've reminded Homer [again].
Also, I'm not going to host another any time school, I'm waaay busy. Feel free to host it.
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Bjorn Harlan
Quizaboom
Team Member
Joined: 20 Dec 2007
Posts: 2466
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| Posted: Tue Jun 09, 2009 2:20 pm |
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| Nah, I'd rather let someone else host it so I can write something. |
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